Today's Mood: Between moods
Today's Song: "Hero", Chad K.
Today's Random Ginny Thing: Wings are awesome. Matters not what kind they are.
Today's Quiz:

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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Everything but the nose ring
is, to me, dead on. ^_^ One of my favorite things to do is to just stare at the art of others, see if I can form the image of how the art was created in my mind, and search for shapes and patterns. I especially love stuff with colors (hence the common comment on art mbs, "Cool, can you add color to it please please pleeeeeeeeease!"), and anything with cleanly drawn lines and subtle patterns.

I used to be so obsessed with realistic pictures; the more photographic, the better. I still like realism, but caricature art's been popping up as a lot of fun. I'm still trying to figure out what my style is with colored pastels... unfortunately, working a food place restricts be able to get nice 'n' messy with color, beh.

Hug your Mama or Mother-Figure
today. It's Mother's Day.

Like the kid with too much candy in his hand to get his hand out of the jar, but too stubborn to let any of the candy go
Whee hee, disclaimer time again: I'm doing some spiritual looking into myself here, which will probably equate to nothing more than a bunch of religious babbling to some of you, and cause you to skip this part. But I'm ok with that, really, because I wrote this for myself, a vent. Just because something is always written here doesn't mean you always have to read it, you know. *soft halfsmile*

Venting away now.

It's been over a year since last Feb. My life changed pretty radically; I could almost liken it to a paradigm shift. Things have definitely looked different on this new side of life. What happened was far from religious, and it forced me from the cocoon I didn't realize I was in. I'll never be quite sure if the timing was too late, too soon, or right on the mark.

At least then I felt like one person.

Here I am, more than 12 months later, and I feel as if I lead two lives: one religious, one other. And I don't like it at all. Acting one way in one setting and a completely different way elsewhere means that somewhere along the way, I'm being fake or covering a part of myself up for fear of offending someone.

One of my greatest fears in life is being abandoned (I guess it stems from the biological father bit--at least, that's what I like to blame it on). The thought of being left all alone because of something I did, something I didn't do, or for who I am...it just eats at me. Sometimes I live life in such a way that will keep others nearby; I'll go nutso crazy to make them happy if it just means they'll stick around for one more day.

I hate that fear, with all the pure hate and loathing my gentle self can possibly generate. Simply hate it.

I hate it because I have to act like two different people. I don't want to. "Being accepted/tolerated" does not equal "being passive in personality". I want to be able to live as myself freely without inciting others to disdainfully sniff, "Oh jeez, she's one of those religious freaks" or "Video games? Aren't you a little old for video games?"

I want to be me, the Lord's little clumsy, goofy, loveable Gin. To be able to be comfortable with being different from everyone, comfortable to the point of being bold and not letting others tell me how to live. To refrain from bolting to some secluded corner, curling up and plugging my ears until the "mean people go away".

At random moments, people have told me that it's evident I'm religious, so I guess something's going right. I still want to feel like one whole person, to act the same way no matter where I am.

I don't want to be fake.