"This becoming is harder than it seems"
"Back in His Arms Again" (Schultz)
"Love" (Peterson)
"Entertaining Angels" (Newsboys)

Fair warning right now--if this post seems stream of though-ish or confusing, then...well, it is. ^^;

Looking back on the past year. Lot of stuff has happened. If you know why I choose this point in time to retrospect, coo'; if you don't, don't worry--just call it the beginning of Gin's Epiphany or some such dramatic stuff.

I grew up following everyone else's direction and that's ok. That's called being raised by parents, teachers, role models. Even in the job world, I admit I could never be a leader, but I'll be the best danged follower you'll ever find. Problem is, without leadership, I sorta float around without being able to think for myself. That is a very dangerous problem to have, according to a lot of people.

Over the past year, I'm slowly but surely learning (hopefully, I think, maybe) to think for myself. To be able to make a decision, stick with it, and not be swayed because I was the one that made that decision, regardless of if people are trying to save me heartache or just trying to lure me to their side. I want to go with the effects of my decisions. I feel I have been sheltered for far too long. Admittedly, I'm still very shy about standing up for myself (though practicing on telemarketers would be fun, *snerk*); sure, when I'm by myself, I can talk big, but when I'm out in the giant world...well, I feel like an ant. About to be squished. Or even fried by the magnifying glass of other people watching my every move.

Self confidence. Huh. Easy to say, hard to build. My niche was to be the glue between the pages, but I don't want to be that way anymore. So, over the past handful of months, I've switched into some sort of "Hey, look at me--you can't push ME around!" mode. Sometimes I like it, when I feel like I'm asserting myself; other times I just wonder what in high Heaven got into me and wish that I could go back to my old self. And people still look at me funny when this girl that used to just sit until you told her to jump comes jumping out of the woodwork of her own accord; I feel pretty self-conscious (sp?) when they do, as I always have, but somehow, it doesn't linger as long (except for those "wanting to go back to my old self" moments).

In the past year, I've had people come into my life (or leave it, as it were) that have helped shape my confidence. They're special because, for some reason or another, my self-consciousness radar just shuts down; I'm too distracted by having fun and being happy to stop and think, "Hey, did that just sound really stupid?" or "Great, s/he is going to avoid me from now on for doing that." And even when that little radar starts to blip, somehow these people can tell and say or do something that turns the little radar right off again. Strange analogy, I know, but it makes sense to me. And sometimes the radar is right and they have to show me where I erred, but at least they don't do it in the condescending way. As a result, I want to try my best to do the same for them; a little tricky, but I'm learning to be tactful. ^_^ I hope. Oo;

Something that I feel has always helped define me is my faith. Truth be known and I truly feel this way, my faith and my God let me feel special and loved at a time in my life when no one would even bother to give me the time of day. I still hold on to my faith for that reason. I've had my bouts of depression like everyone else, and the times when I wouldn't let anyone else reach me, God still helped me feel loved. (That could go into an entirely new, looooong tangent, but not right now, heh.) And maybe what the whole point of this rant is is that I'm a little scared of trying to show God that I'm stuff, that I'm a big girl, when I really don't need to prove anything to Him.

I'm a tad worried that I might be neglecting my relationship with Him in this process of growing up/maturing/what have you; that in doing so, I'm turning into just another person and I'm not special little Ginny anymore (*grins at Dan furiously typing an email now, lol*). Maybe I'm even scared of losing touch with Him or just losing Him because I'm so caught up in finally growing up.

I can't think of anything else to write, but I know I can't lose God--not unless I really wanted to. And I don't. I probably sound like a raving religious fanatic to some of you now, but I really do cherish my relationship with my God (the one that exists outside of church, fancy dress, and "proper" courtesy, the one that I forged with His help). He, like all the other people I truly love and care about, helped and is still helping to shape me through this growing process.

Tada! the secret to life is Love. And I'll end it at that. ^_^

Oh look, quizzi! (Thanks, BB)





Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.

Hey, I've taken this quiz before! And it's quite evil, too.






find your element
at mutedfaith.com.



-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Heck, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I didn't cheat, so neener! ^^


You feel happy, and loved. Nothing could be any
better for you....you may even have a love one
in your life....go you.


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a ghost. You sift incessantly throughout
dreams and in vain intervene. You seem
imprisoned in dream portals and seek to wait
and waste time being the


~~~~~~~What Dream Entity are you?~~~~~~~
brought to you by Quizilla

Egad, that one cut off.

There's a lot more that BB put up, but I need to go to class now. ^^