"So I guess this is goodbye."
Did it again. Went straight to Sara's blog first thing this morning.
And I got hurt, again.
"Did I expect any less?" my unsympathetic brain asks. Excuse me for being mostly heart.

I never thought my one email was snide--just one that was lost in a lot of emotion at the moment. I was venting out how I felt about being left on my own, while everyone else was clustering on the other side of the line. The really stupid thing is, it was never about Josh's sexual preference! My dearest God, that pisses me off to no end. It was about Josh saying something that sounded condescending when I was looking for advice. And I hate people speaking to me in a dumbed down version. So when Sara started...you can imagine.
What I still don't understand is how it got broken off. Sure, we lost contact, but I was hoping that the one time she got ahold of me again, we could talk again, and even if it wouldn't be like old times, she could at least be a correspondent. I figured I could act the way I used to, open, honest--I told her I did feel uncomfortable around her.
"So I guess this is goodbye."
Would someone please tell me where the hell did that come from?
...and why the hell I did nothing, but just sit paralyzed and let it go...?
I guess because she was Sara. Not Cera.
I knew Cera.
I knew a dream.
A dream that has faded.

I'm losing Mitch, too. My work and school are drawing on me again and since his Net connection is almost nonexistent, well... It's hard to be on when he needs me on. It's hard for me to really "be" on for anyone, anymore. I'm just going through the motions on AIM right now...not really saying anything remotely intellectual.

I told God last night that, if He could please keep that one remark about Shannon from getting back to Shannon, I would be careful to watch my tongue from now on. To not speak without thinking. And in some cases, yes, I need to watch myself. But there are cases where I must speak. Let's face it--online life will never be as important as IRL life. It's a common notion to believe one is more open and willing to speak one's mind, because your words will never really touch you. You can hide away.
I should not feel guilty, or feel like I'm the only one in the wrong here, because I'm not. Why should everyone else be able to say things and forget them, yet remember my words till their dying day?
I'm in turmoil. God says forgive, I say be like everyone else, hold their words against them--snide, immature, Does it really mean that much to you?

They say when you are in an abusive relationship, you run. And I always wondered why some wouldn't. I need to run from OB...so why can't I? What's holding me back?

Not goodbye, just...see you later...